Discussion Facilitator: Bruce Cantwell. Saturday, February 29, 2020.
When I searched for a teaching on non-attachment, I was surprised to discover that the one that seemed to best meet the purposes of this discussion came not from a Buddhist website, but from an online relationship counseling service!
Here's a condensed version:
What Is Non-Attachment, and How Can I Learn It?
If you're not familiar with the term "Non-Attachment," the meaning may be hard to decipher. Does it mean you go through life alone, with nothing and nobody? Does it mean you don't feel love or excitement? Does it mean you don't care?
What Is Non-Attachment?
Non-attachment is none of the things listed above. It isn't destitute, and it isn't emotionally empty. Then, what is it?
Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines non-attachment as "lack of attachment (as to worldly concerns)."
In modern secular Buddhism, the goal is not to be more like someone else. It's to be who you already are but to become the best possible version of yourself.
It's a path, not an event, a practice, not a single action.
When you practice non-attachment, the world around you still matters. Yet, you're willing to let things come into your life and go out of your life without trying to hold onto them.
Benefits Of Non-Attachment
Non-attachment can completely change the way you think about yourself, others, objects, and places. The more you practice non-attachment, the easier it is to live a physically and emotionally healthy life. Here are some of the benefits of non-attachment:
• A feeling of inner peace
• Ability to make reasoned decisions
• Being less vulnerable to stressors
• Greater emotional stability
• Better relationships
• Being a better parent
• Enjoying being who you are
• Feeling more in control
• Greater life satisfaction
• Diminishing fear of loss
• Possible physical benefits like lower blood pressure, fewer headaches, fewer digestive problems, better brain function.
How To Practice Non-Attachment
You can practice non-attachment without giving up any physical objects, even without giving up buying new objects. The problem isn't in owning things. When you practice non-attachment, though, those things don't own or have a hold on you. You may find beauty in a crystal vase. You may buy it. But, if you're practicing non-attachment, you don't worry or become distressed if someone breaks it.
Nothing we know directly is truly permanent - not glass vases, not people, not the earth or the universe itself. This is the reality you need to understand to practice non-attachment in your daily life. To set the idea firmly in your mind, look around you.
Notice how things come and go in life. When you see something that has been destroyed or changed, think about how it came into the world at some point and then no longer existed as it was before. This practice gives you greater insight into the impermanence of everything.
Live Without Obstructions
The things and people you cling to can block you from living your truth. To live without these obstructions, you might need to let go of them. If you're very attached to them, the process of letting go can be painful. Yet, when you've let them pass in their way, you can progress toward being the best you.
Still, you don't need to push things or people away. You simply need to go your way and allow that thing to exist as it is or that person to decide what to do from there. You might meet someone who fascinates you. You're immediately drawn to them, but they don't feel the same about you. You don't have to tell them to go away. You simply need to live what is true to you and give them the freedom to do the same.
Practice Yoga Or Mindfulness Meditation
Many people who have progressed toward being less attached to worldly things have done so through yoga and meditation. Yoga helps you control your breath, your body, and your mind in a nonjudgmental way. You become more accepting of yourself and more relaxed with others.
Meditation helps you train your mind to notice thoughts and then let them go. You stop ruminating and dwelling on negative things. You notice positive thoughts and trust that they'll come back as needed.
Mindfulness meditation is especially helpful. When you practice mindfulness meditation, your awareness of your sensory experiences increases. You become more in tune with what's happening right here, right now. This focus on the present moment keeps you grounded in the real world and reminds you how things come and go all the time.
Practice Non-Attachment In Pursuing Goals
You might wonder, "If I practice non-attachment, how can I work toward goals?" Goals are important. They help us work towards accomplishment, fulfillment, and personal contribution to the world. How does the concept of non-attachment mesh with goal-making?
A better way of describing a goal is an intention. You intend to do something. This conveys the idea that it is something that you're moving toward. To practice non-attachment toward that intention, you need to accept that if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen.
It doesn't mean you failed. You did move toward it. You don't control everything. Other people and even the physical world can have their effect on whether the thing you intend comes to pass. Being detached from the results is the key. Set your intentions on only what you have control over and on processes rather than outcomes.
Practice Non-Attachment In Romantic Love
Non-Attachment doesn't mean you can't have romantic love. Far from it! In fact, practicing non-attachment can make your relationships better. Love your partner, certainly. Feel the joy and connectedness you have with them.
Yet, love them in a way that always leaves room for them to feel free to choose their own thoughts and actions. Then, choose the thoughts and behaviors that are right for you. This attitude of each person being free to follow their own path can help you avoid developing a codependent relationship in which you try to control each other.
Focus On What You Enjoy
When something distressing happens, you're usually distressed because things aren't meeting your expectations. A more realistic and beneficial attitude would be to accept things the way they are. Find something in the situation that you can enjoy. Clinging to the desire for things to be other than they are only causes you to suffer. When you let that go, you can enjoy what is.
Practice Non-Attachment In Parental Love
When you practice Non-Attachment in parenting, you tend to your child's needs without demanding something of them in return. You allow them to explore their world as much as they safely can, given the level of maturity they have at the moment. You teach them without demanding that they agree with you on everything. Your child feels accepted and free to follow their own life path.
Accept Responsibility For Your Own Happiness
Non-attachment naturally leads to accepting responsibility for your own happiness. As you let go of trying to control others, you finally realize that no one can reliably make you happy but you.
The fact that others can't always make you happy doesn't mean others don't care for you. It only means that you're the one who's in the best position to know what it takes for you to be truly happy and has the power to do that every time you realize you aren't happy.[1]
[1] “What Is Non-Attachment, and How Can I Learn It?” Regain, ReGain, 12 June 2018, www.regain.us/advice/attachment/what-is-non-attachment-and-how-can-i-learn-it/.